........was out last night.got absolutely wasted..........it was nice.felt normal.for a while,anyways.....like i was someone else.not this self obsessed waste of space.the streets were littered with broken glass on the way home.....freaked myself out.when i saw it,the first thing i thought was how easy it'd be to pick up a nice,big sliver of glass....slip it into my pocket and slice open my veins in the privacy of my room.


wasnt even in a bad funk last night.felt vaguely happy,twas a good night out.up until then anyways.

Current Location: cork
Current Mood: drained
Current Music: alice in chains-down in a hole

so.where do i begin these things??never had a blog before....could go all david copperfield but meh who cares when and where i was born.....im 18 and in college.kinda hoping this will help exorcise some of my demons......


for as long as i can remember,i've been unhappy.mostly,its a sort of mild malaise,a sort of nagging sadness that i can never get rid of but have gotten better at ignoring and somewhat,controlling it too.the entire way through secondary school,when i was in my teens,i could never control it...suppose you could put it that i was a slave to my emotions....maybe i was over dramatic too,being a typical teenager,little things were blown entirely out of proportion...when i'd fall for a guy,i'd fall really hard and when things went wrong,which they inevitably did,i'd spend weeks in the midst of a black stump.....crying my eyes out to some of the most depressing music i could find.and then,things got worse,i'd find myself in these dark moods for no reason whatsoever,and eventually the only thing that made me feel marginally better was to grab the nearest sharp object and break the skin somewhere that no one would ever see it........

and then,when i left for college,things got so much better....whether it was the freedom or the sense that for once,i wasnt this weird outsider,or the anonymity of it all,i dont know,but i felt vaguely content.my mind set changed completely,whereas before the slightest thing could make the thoughts of suicide creep in to haunt me,i felt more.....stable??i think thats the word for it.


but once again,like the tides,things have changed.my moods have gotten worse than they've ever been,one minute i'm so happy,things have never been this good birds are singing and the sun is shining,all that happy-clappy crap,the next im looking for the nearest blade to slit my wrists and finally end it all.the only thing that has stopped me from fucking myself into the river that rages behind my house is the idea that i've still things to finish,places to see and people to do as a friend once said....once i feel like im close enough to finish, thats it.im gone.death has never scared me,and dying by my own hand feels like the only thing that i have entire control over.

Current Location: college computer lab
Current Mood: blank